When She Was Bad

Xander: (to Buffy) Man, your timing really doesn't suck.

Xander:  Yo!  G-man!  What's up?
Giles:  Nice to see you.  And don't ever call me that.

Xander:  Which means we're still the undeads favorite party town.

Buffy:  Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it.  This is never good.

Cordelia:  Buffy.  You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy:  As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia:  I can hold my own.  You know, we never have been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm going to do you a favor.
Buffy:  And this great favor is...
Cordelia:  I'm going to give you some advise.  Get over it.
Buffy:  Excuse me?
Cordelia:  Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it.  Embrace your inner pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.  'Cause pretty soon you're not even going to have the loser friends you've got now.

Xander:  Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me?  She's possessed.

Snyder:  There are something's I can just smell.  It's like a sixth sense.
Giles:  No, actually that would be one of the five.

Absalom:  Your day is done, girl.  I'll grind you into a sticky paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face.
Buffy:  So, are you going to kill me or are we just making small talk?

Cordelia:  It stays with you forever.  No matter what they tell you, none of the rust and blood and grime comes out.  I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains.
Jenny:  Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains.
Cordelia:  I hear ya!

Giles:  What are you going to do?  Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
Buffy:  Would it have cable?

Xander:  Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Buffy:  Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel:  'Danced with' is a pretty loose term.  'Mated with' might be a little closer.

Buffy:  Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander:  Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy:  I fear you.

Giles:  Grave robbing?  That's new, interesting.
Buffy:  I KNOW you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles:  Yes, yes, yes, of course.  Uh, terrible thing.  Must, must put a stop to it.  Damn it.

Willow:  This shouldn't take long.  I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office book marked as a favorite place.

Cordelia:  Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight.  Boy, I wish I knew we were going to be digging up dead people sooner.  I would've canceled.

Willow:  Love makes you do the wacky.

Buffy:  Sorry, but I am an old-fashioned gal.  I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have babies.

Willow:  By the way, are we hoping to find a body or no body?
Xander:  Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons.

Spike:  YOU were THERE?  Oh, please.  If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been more like Woodstock.

Spike:  I was actually at Woodstock.  That was a weird gig.  I fed off a flower person and spent the next six hours watching' my hand move.

Buffy:  La vache doit me touche de la jeudi.  Was it wrong?  Should I use the plural?
Willow:  No.  But you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.'
Buffy:  Maybe that's what I was feeling.

Willow:  We can't run, that would be wrong.  Could we hide?

Buffy:  I was being cool.  C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, 200 years?  You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow:  Wow, two centuries of dating.  If you only had two a year that's still, like, four hundred dates with four hundred different...  Why do they call it a mace?

Spike:  People still fall for that Anne Rice routine.  What a world!

Spike:  You think you can fool me?  You were my sire, man!  You were my Yoda!

Spike:  From now on, we're going to have a little less ritual and a little more fun around here.

Xander:  Uh, that's Randy Munson.  He's God's gift to the bell curve.  What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts.

Buffy:  I wasn't going to use violence.  I don't always use violence.  Do I?
Xander:  The important thing is that you believe that.

Xander:  Typical museum trick.  Promise human sacrifice, deliver lots pots and pans.

Xander:  Ooh...The Sunnydale Bus Depot.  Classy!  What better way to introduce someone to our country then with the stench of urine.

Buffy:  Oh!  I know this one!  Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.

Buffy:  One day I'm going to live in a town where evil curses are generally ruled out without even saying.

Devon:  Oz, man!  What do you think?
Oz:  Of what?
Devon:  Cordelia, man!
Oz:  She's a wonderland tour.
Devon:  You gotta admit, the girl is hot!
Oz:  Yeah, she's a hot girl.
Devon:  Let me guess: Not your type?  What does a girl have to do to impress you?
Oz:  Well, it involves a feathered boa and a theme to 'A Summer Place'.  I can't discuss it here.
Devon:  You're too picky, man.  Do you know how many girls you could have?  You're lead guitar.  Oz, it's currency!
Oz:  I'm not picky.  You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
Devon:  She doesn't have to talk.

Ampata:  You are strange.
Xander:  Girls always tell me that.  Right before they run away.

Willow:  Well, you know, I have a choice.  I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, ot I can just get on with my life.
Buffy:  Good for you.
Willow:  Well, I didn't choose yet.

Xander:  Hho hee zr thee al uh...
Buffy:  I can translate American salivating boy talk.  He say's your beautiful.

Oz:  Hey.  That girl.  Who is she?
Devon:  She's an exchange student.  I think she's from South America.
Oz:  No, not her.  The Eskimo.

Oz:  Who is that girl?

Buffy:  Angel showed up.  He could smell it.
Xander:  The blood?  There's a guy you want to party with.

Xander:  I'm going' to the party.
Willow:  What?
Xander:  I gotta keep an eye on Buffy.  Those frat guys creep me.
Willow:  You wanna protect her?
Xander:  Mm-hm,
Willow:  And prove you're just as good as those rich, snotty guys?
Xander:  Mm-hm.
Willow:  Maybe catch an orgy?
Xander:  If it's on early.

Willow:  (to Angel)  And you!  I mean, you're going to live forever!  You don't have time for a cup of coffee?

Cordelia:  You did it!  You saved us!  I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole...  You guys!  I just hate you guys!  The weirdest things always happen when you're around.

Giles:  I'll have you know that I have very, uh, many relaxing hobbies.
Buffy:  Such as?
Giles:  Well, um...  I enjoy cross-referencing.
Buffy:  Do you stuff your own shirts, or do you send them out?

Buffy:  Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.
Cordelia:  Oh, he's a vampire.  Of course!  But the cuddly kind.  Like a Care bear with fangs?

Willow:  Oh, I don't get wild.  Wild on me equals spaz.

Drusilla:  Do you love my insides?  The parts you can't see?
Spike:  Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

Cordelia:  Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call going to be here?
Oz:  Yeah, y'know, he's just going by 'Devon' now,
Cordelia:  Well, you can tell him that I don't care, and that I didn't even mention it.  And that I didn't even see you.  So that's just fine.
Oz:  So, what do I tell him?
Cordelia:  Nothing!  Jeep!  Get with the program.
Oz:  Why can't I meet a nice girl like that?

Willow:  She couldn't have dressed up like Xenon?

Buffy:  You know what?  It's good to be me!

Oz:  Who is that girl?

Cordelia:  I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette.  I can so relate to her.  She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort.  And I know the peasants were all depressed.
Xander:  I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia:  Whatever.  They were cranky.  So they're, like, 'Let's lose some heads'.  Uhhh!  That's fair.  And, and Marie Antoinette cared about them.  She was going to let them have cake!

Xander:  Hey, it's me.  If Angel's doing something' wrong, I wanna know.  'Cause it gives me a happy.

Buffy:  It was terrible.  I moped over you for months.  Sitting in my room listening to that Divinyls 'I Touch Myself'.  Of course, I had no idea what it was about.

Willow:  Uh, Angel?  If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?

Giles:  You are not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you?

Xander:  Angel was in your bedroom?
Willow:  Ours is forbidden love.

Buffy:  People, listen to me!  This is not the mother ship, people!  This is ugly death come to play.

Giles:  The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day.  No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy:  Liar

Buffy:  Have I ever let you down?
Giles:  Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?

Xander:  Ooh, gang, did ya hear that?  A bonus day of class plus Cordelia!  Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever!

Jenny:  I just love to see you squirm.
Giles:  Yes, well, I, uh...that I gave good squirm.
Jenny:  Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a  fuddy-duddy?
Giles:  Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
Jenny:  Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?
Giles:  Well, no.  Actually that, that part usually get left out.  I can't imagine why.

Cordelia:  Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it?  First I am sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday, now I have to read some computer book...  There are books on computers?  Isn't the point of computers to replace books.

Angel:  I've had a demon inside me for a couple of hundred years just waiting' for a good fight.
Buffy:  Winner and still champion.

Cordelia:  'I aspire to help my fellow man.'  Check.  As long as he's not smelly, dirty, or something gross.

Xander:  (about Cordelia) Is murder always a crime?

Buffy:  You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me.  I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel:  Yeah, I'll never be a kid...
Buffy:  Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Giles:  You would be amazed at how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Watchers were.
Buffy:  Color me stunned.

Spike:  She's the gnat in my ear!  The gristle in my teeth!  She's the bloody thorn in my bloody side!

Dalton:  Uh, yes, but, The Order of Taraka.  I mean, isn't that overkill?
Spike:  No, I think it is just enough kill.

Buffy:  Note to self: religion: freaky.

Willow:  Goody!  Research party!
Xander:  Will, you need a life in the worst way.

Xander:  No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen year old girl to unplug her phone.

Giles:  Don't warn the tadpoles?
Willow:  I have frog fears.

Xander:  C'mon, Cordelia.  You wanna be a member of the Scooby Gang you gotta be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then.
Cordelia:  Oh, right, 'cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends.  And that my first husband will be a balding, demented homeless man.

Buffy:  Back off, Pink Ranger!  This is my friend.

Buffy:  I don't take orders.  I do things my way.
Kendra:  No wonder you died.

Willow:  There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy:  Wait.  Handbook?  What handbook?  How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow:  Is there a t-shirt, too?  'Cause that would be cool...

Oz:  Hey
Willow:  Hey!  Your hair!  Is brown!
Oz:  Oh, yeah, sometimes.  So, uh, did you decide?  Are you going to be a Corporate Computer Suit Guy?
Willow:  Oh, uh, well, I-I think I am going to finish high school first.  What about you?
Oz:  I'm not really a computer person, you know.  Or a work of any kind person.
Willow:  Then why's they select you?
Oz:  Oh, I sorta test well.  Y'know, which is cool.  Except that it leads to jobs.
Willow:  Well, don't you have some ambition?
Oz:  Oh, yeah!  Yeah, E-flat diminished ninth.
Willow:  Huh?
Oz:  Well, the E-flat, it's, it's doable, but that diminished ninth, y'know, it's a man's chord.  Now, you could lose a finger.

Oz:  I, uh, I'm shot.  Y'know.  Wow!  It's odd and painful.

Xander:  A Slayer, huh?  I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention getter.

Buffy:  Spike is going down.  you can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine.  But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

Oz:  Oh, hey!  Animal cracker?
Willow:  No, thank you.  How's your arm?
Oz:  Suddenly painless.
Willow:  You can still play the guitar okay?
Oz:  Oh, not well, but not worse.

Oz:  Oh, look!  Monkey!  And he has a little hat and little pants.
Willow:  Yeah, I see.
Oz:  The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that?  You have the sweetest smile.  So, I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped?  Like, is the hippo going, 'Hey man, where are MY pants?  I have my hippo dignity.'  And you know that monkey's just, (with a french accent) 'I mock you with my monkey pants!'  And there's a big coup at the zoo.
Willow:  The monkey is French?
Oz:  All monkeys are French.  You didn't know that?
Willow:  No.

Xander:  Right, I hired a Latvian bug man to kill Buffy so I could kiss you.  I hate to burst your bubble, but you don't inspire me to spring for dinner over at Buckey's Fondue Hut.

Xander:  How is Angel?  Pretend I care.
Buffy:  Getting better.
Willow:  And your loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy:  Oh, yeah.
Xander:  So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy:  Vampires are creeps.
Giles:  Yes, and that's why one slays them.

Xander:  You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues...
Willow:  Xander...
Xander:  What?  Freud would've said the exact same thing.  Except he might not have done the little dance.

Cordelia:  I don't get it.  Buffy's the Slayer.  Shouldn't she have...
Xander:  What?  A license to kill?
Cordelia:  Well, not for fun, but she's like this Superman.  Shouldn't there be different rules for her.
Willow:  Sure, in a fascist society...
Cordelia:  Right!  Why can't we have one of those?

Joyce:  Do you want to rent a movie tonight?
Buffy:  Sounds like fun.
Joyce:  Just nothing with horror in it or romance or men.
Buffy:  I guess we're 'Thelma & Louise'ing it again.

Buffy:  Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Willow:  Not any big ones.
Buffy:  Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow:  I just want to learn stuff.
Cordelia:  Like how to build your own serial killer?

Joyce:  It's an outfit.  An outfit that you may never buy.
Buffy:  But I looked good in it.
Joyce:  You looked like a streetwalker.
Buffy:  But a thin streetwalker.

Joyce:  Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?
Buffy:  Saving the world from vampires?
Joyce:  I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on in your head.

Mr. Whitmore:  S-E-X.  Sex.  The sex drive in the human animal is intense.  How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagues by unwanted sexual thought and feeling?
Xander:  Yes!
Mr. Whitmore:  That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

Willow:  Buffy!  How come you weren't in class?
Buffy:  Vampire issues.  Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander:  I think the word you are searching for is absent.
Willow:  Tardy people show.
Buffy:  Right.
Willow:  And yes, he did notice.  So, he told me to give you this.
Willow hands Buffy an egg.
Buffy:  As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.

Giles:  I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander:  I resent that!  Or possibly thank you.

Buffy:  Great.  You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine.

Buffy:  Me?  Why do I have to dissect it?
Xander:  Uh, because you're the Slayer?
Buffy:  And I slayed!  My work here is done.

Xander:  Cordelia, I don't want to hurt ya.  Some of the time.

Willow:  L'hippo a pique ses pantalons.
Translation:  The hippo stole his pants.

Willow:  He's nice.  Hey, I like his hands.
Buffy:  Mm...a fixation on insignificant detail is a definite sign of a crush.

Willow:  Do you guys, uh, have a gig tonight?
Oz:  Oh, no.  Practice.  See, our band's kinda moving towards this new sound where we suck.  So, practice.

Oz:  I'm going to ask you to go out with me tomorrow night and I'm kinda nervous about it, actually.  It's interesting.
Willow:  Oh, well, if it helps at all, I'm going to say yes.
Oz:  Yeah, it helps.  It creates a comfort zone.  Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow:  Oh!  I can't!
Oz:  Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Willow:  Oh, it's just that it's Buffy's birthday and we are throwing her a surprise party.
Oz:  It's okay.
Willow:  But you could come, if you want to.
Oz:  Well, I don't wanna crash.
Willow:  No, it's fine.  Well, you could be my date.
Oz:  All right.  I'm in.
Willow: (to herself)  I said date!

Giles:  Is everything in order for the party?
Xander:  Absolutely.  You ready to get down you funky party weasel?
Giles:  Here comes Buffy.  Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander:  You could of just said, 'Ssshh'.  God, are all you Brits such drama queens?

Jenny:  No, Buffy, maybe you shouldn't.
Buffy:  Sorry.  Sacred duty, yada, yada, yada.

Oz:  Hey, did everybody else see that guy just turn to dust?
Willow:  Uh, well, uh, sorta.
Xander:  Yep, vampires are real, alot of them live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
Willow:  I know it's hard to accept at first...
Oz:  Actually, it explains alot.

Giles:  Round robin?
Willow:  It's when everybody calls everybody else's mom and tells them they're staying at everyone's house.
Buffy:  Thus freeing us for world saveage.
Willow:  And all night keggers!  What?  Only Xander gets to make dumb jokes?

Willow:  I knew it!  I knew it!  Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.  You two were fighting way too much.  It's not natural.
Xander:  I know it's weird...
Willow:  Weird?  It's against all laws of God and man!  It's CORDELIA!  Remember?  The, the We Hate Cordelia Club?  Of which you were the treasurer?
Xander:  Look, I was going to tell you...
Willow:  What stopped you?  Could it be shame?

Cordelia:  Well,  does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander:  I'm 17.  Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Oz:  So, do you steal weapons from the Army alot?
Willow:  Well, we don't have cable so we have to make our own fun.

Oz:  Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, you know, I'm not thinking about class 'cause that would never happen.  I think about kissing you and it's like everything stops.  It's like freeze frame Willow kissage.  Oh, I'm not going to kiss you now.
Willow:  What?  But freeze frame...
Oz:  Well, to the casual observer it would appear that you're trying to make your friend Xander jealous or even the score or something and that's on the empty side.  See, in my fantasy when I'm kissing you, you're kissing me.  It's okay.  I can wait.

Cordelia:  Pieces?  We get the pieces?  Our job sucks!

Willow:  Oh, there.  I have my friend so I will go to her.

Larry:  Oz, man, what's up with that?  Dating a junior?  Uh, let me guess that little innocent school girl thing is just an act, right?
Oz:  Yeah, yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind.

Willow:  He's great!  We have alot of fun, but I want smoochies!
Buffy:  Have you dropped hints?
Willow:  I've dropped anvils.
Buffy:  Ah, he'll come around.  What guy can resist your wily Willow charms?
Willow:  At last count all of them.. Maybe more.
Buffy:  Well, none of them know a thing.  They all get an F in Willow!
Willow:  But I want Oz to get an A.  And, oh, one of those gold stars!

Willow:  I'll give Xander a call.  What's his number?  Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm- dating-a-skanky-ho.
Buffy:  Meow!
Willow:  Really?  Thanks.  I've never gotten a meow before.

Willow:  Don't forget you're supposed to be a meek little girlie girl like the rest of us.
Buffy:  Spoil my fun.

Xander:  What relationship?  I mean, what life could they possibly have together?  We're talking obedience school, paper training, Oz is always in the back yard burying their things and that kind of breed can turn on it's owner.
Buffy:  I don't know.  I kinda see Oz as being the loyal type.

Willow:  I'm kinda okay with you being in my way.
Oz:  You mean, you'd still?
Willow:  Well, I like you.  You're nice and you're funny and you don't smoke, yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time.  I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around, either.
Oz:  You are quite a human.
Willow:  So, I'd still if you'd still.
Oz:  I'd very still.
Willow:  Okay.  No biting, though.
Oz:  Agreed.
Their first kiss.
Oz:  A werewolf in love.

Xander:  I wish dating was like slaying: you know, simple, direct, stake to the heart.  No muss, no fuss.
Buffy:  Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander:  Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Willow:  My boyfriend's in the band.

Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out?  It makes an impression.
Angelus:  Lacks poetry.
Spike:  It doesn't have to.  What rhymes with lungs?

Willow:  Oz had his cool hair today.

Willow:  I think I'm a groupie!

Cordelia:  Your clothes, you look so good.
Xander:  Oh, I let Buffy dress me.  Well, not physically.

Xander:  Blackmail is an ugly word.
Amy:  I didn't say blackmail.
Xander:  Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you so I thought I'd bring it up.

Amy:  Intent has to be pure with love spells.
Xander:  Right.  I intend revenge, pure as the driven snow.  Now, are you going to play or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?

Xander:  You know what?  It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness.  I see that now.  I think we've all grown.  I gotta go now.

Xander:  That's it!  This has gotta stop!  It's time for me to act like a man and hide.

Giles:  Xander, What is it?
Xander:  It, it's me throwing myself at your mercy.
Giles:  What?  Why?
Xander:  I made a mess, Giles.  See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft and I was hurt, I guess, so I made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired and now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper, but...

Giles:  I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this!
Xander:  Oh, no.  I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Cordelia:  Damn it, Xander!  What's going on?  Who dies and made you Elvis?

Buffy:  I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz:  But you're not a rat, so call it an upside.

Cordelia:  Harmony, shut up!  Do you know what you are Harmony?  You're a sheep.
Harmony:  I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia:  You're a sheep.  All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first.  And here I am scrambling for your approval, when I'm WAY cooler than you are 'cause I'm NOT a sheep.  I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear.  And you know what?  I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date, no matter how lame he is.  (walks to Xander)  Oh god.  Oh god.
Xander:  You're going to be okay, just keep walking'.
Cordelia:  Oh god.  What have I done?  They're never going to speak to me again.
Xander:  Oh, sure they are.  If it helps whenever we're around them you and I can fight alot.
Cordelia:  You promise?
Xander:  You can pretty much count on it.

Angelus:  Passion.  It lies in all of us.  Sleeping, waiting and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open it's jaws and howl.  It speaks to us, guides us.  Passion rules us all and we obey.  What other choice do we have?  Passion is the source os our finest moments.  The joy of life, the clarity of hatred and the ecstasy of grief.  It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.  If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace.  But we would be hollow.  Empty rooms, shuttered and dank.  Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

Xander:  Excuse me, but have you ever heard od knocking?
Jonathan:  We're supposed to get some books on Stalin.
Xander:  Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
Giles:  This is a school library, Xander.
Xander:  Since when?

Giles:  It's a classic battle strategy to throw one's opponent off his game.  He's just trying to provoke you, uh, taunt you, to , to goad you into some mishap of some sort.
Xander:  The nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah approach to battle?
Giles:  Yes, Xander, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.

Willow:  I'm going to have a hard time explaining this to my dad.
Buffy:  You really think it'll bother him?
Willow:  Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall?  I have to go over to Xander's house to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' every year.
Buffy:  I see your point.
Willow:  Although, it is worthwhile to see him do the Snoopy dance.

Willow:  Well, it went fine until Angel showed up and told Buffy's mom that he and Buffy had...  Well, you know that they had, you know, you do know don't you?
Giles:  Oh yes.  Yes, sorry.
Willow:  Oh good, 'cause I just realized that being a librarian and all you maybe didn't know.

Spike:  I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed off Slayer!

Intern:  What happened?
Xander:  She fell.
Willow:  The flu.
Cordelia:  She fainted.
Xander:  The flu, fainted and fell.  She's sick.  Make it better!

Buffy:  Homework!
Willow:  It's my way of saying, 'Get well soon'.
Buffy:  You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow:  I did all your assignments.  All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy:  Chocolate means nothing to me!

Giles:  Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia:  Tact is just not saying true stuff, I'll pass.

Cordelia:  This is what happens when you're compassionate towards sick people, they take advantage of you.
Xander:  Uh-huh.  Buffy almost dies just to put you out.
Cordelia:  I didn't want to be the first one to say it.

Willow:  I'm good at medical stuff since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.
Xander:  No, she's being literal.  She used to have all these medical volumes and diagnose me with stuff.  I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
Willow:  Wrong?  Why?  How did YOU play doctor?

Buffy:  I'm telling you, something weird is going on.
Xander:  Something weird is going on, isn't that our school motto?

Willow:  A ghost?  Cool!
Xander:  Oh, no, no, no!  No cool!  This was no wimpy chain rattler, this was 'I'm dead as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.'
Giles:  Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander:  I defined something?  Accurately?  Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Spike:  It's paradise.  Big windows, lovely gardens.  It'll be perfect when we want the sunlight to kill us.

Willow:  This is freaky.  I don't remember ever seeing Giles this weird.
Xander:  I know, he's usually investigate-things-from-every-boring-angle guy.  Now he's I-cling-onto-my-one-lame-idea guy.

Cordelia:  I hope you guys aren't going to the Sadie Hawkins Dance tonight, 'cause I'm organizing a boycott.  Do you realize that the girls have to ask the guys?  And pay and everything?  I mean, whose genius idea was that?
Xander:  Obviously some hairy legged feminist.

Willow:  Everything seems normal, not a snake, not a wasp.
Cordelia:  Yep, school can open again tomorrow.
Xander:  Explain to me again how that's a good thing?
Cordelia:  I'm drawing a blank.

Willow:  You're getting our high mortality rate.
Xander:  We're number one!

Xander:  He actually told you to alter his grade?
Willow:  Exactly, except for actually telling me to.  But he made it perfectly clear of what he wasn't telling me.
Xander:  That is wrong!  A big, fat, spanking wrong!  It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our D's.
Cordelia:  Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is certain people are entitled to special privileges.  They're called winners.  That's the way the world works.
Xander:  And what about the nutty 'All men are created equal' thing?
Cordelia:  Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
Xander:  I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia:  Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Willow:  Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia:  Kept slaves, remember?

Buffy:  So something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow:  Like an Oreo cookie.  Well, except for, you know, without the chocolatey cookie goodness.

Cordelia:  God, this is so sad.  We're never going to win the state championship.  I think I've lost my will to cheerlead.
Xander:  Raise your hand if you feel her pain.

Xander:  The discus throwers got all the best seats at all the crucifixions.

Xander:  What am I going to do?
Cordelia:  Upi, you, you!  What about me?  It's one thing to be dating the lame, unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the creature from the Blue Lagoon!
Xander:  Black Lagoon.  The creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields and thank you SO much for your support!

Buffy:  You're really getting into this interrogation thing.
Willow:  The trick is not to leave marks.

Angelus:  There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're going to be.  Sometimes they're little, subtle moments, sometimes they're not.  I'll show you what I mean. (Switch to Whistler)  Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments.  No one asks for their life to change, not really, but it does.  So what are we?  Helpless?  Puppets?  No.  The big moments are going to come, you can't help that.  It's what you do afterwards that counts, that's when you find out who you are.  You'll see what I mean.

Buffy:  Oh, we better go.  I haven't even started studying for finals yet.
Xander:  Oh yeah, finals!  Why didn't you let me die?

Xander:  (he is recreating the previous nights slaying with his fish sticks)  Tell Angel I'm going to kill him!  No wait, I'm going to kill you!  Die, die, die!  Aah!  Mother!
Cordelia:  Is that it?
Xander:  Yeah, that's it.  Scene!
Buffy:  That's exactly how it happened.
Oz:  Well, I thought it was riveting.  I was a little unclear about some of the themes.
Buffy:  The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face.
Xander:  And the other theme was 'Buy American', but it got kind of buried.

Willow:  You're going to pass everything.  I will get you through this semester if I have to sweat blood!
Xander:  Do you think you're likely to?  "Cause I'd like to be elsewhere.
Willow:  It was only metaphorical blood.
Oz:  I think you'd sweat cute blood.

Cordelia:  I think it's great to do that before you go out and fall in the real world.  That way you're not falling back on something, you're falling, well, forward.
Xander:  And almost 65% of that was actual compliment.  Is that a personal best?

Snyder:  Are we having a chair shortage?
Willow:  I didn't read anything about...  Oh, I get it.
Snyder:  These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school.  This isn't an orgy, people, this is a classroom.
Buffy:  Yeah, where they teach lunch.

Spike:  Nice walk, pet?
Drusilla:  I met an old man, didn't like him.  He got stuck in my teeth.

Spike:  It's a big rock.  I can't wait to tell my friends, they don't have rocks this big.

Buffy:  Willow, I think you should try the curse.
Kendra:  I tend to side with your friend Xander on this one.  Angel should be eliminated.
Buffy:  Oh, I'll fight him, I'll kill him if I have to, but if I don't get there in time, or if I lose, then Willow might be our only hope.
Willow:  I don't wanna be out only hope!  I crumble under pressure!  Let's have another hope.

Willow:  This means I can't help you study for tomorrow's final.
Buffy:  I'll wing it.  Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em, or maybe I'll be taking them forever.

Angel:  I just wanna be left alone.
Whistler:  Well yeah, you've been left alone for, what?  90 years already?  And what a package you are, the Stick Guy.

Angel:  I wanna learn from you.
Whistler:  Alright.
Angel:  But I don't want to dress like you.
Whistler:  Again, you're annoying me.  You're lucky we need you on our side.

Kendra:  In case de curse does not succeed, dis is my lucky stake.  I have killed many vampires wit it.  I call it Mr. Pointy.
Buffy:  You named your stake?
Kendra:  Yes.
Buffy:  Remind me when this is over to get you a stuffed animal.

Giles:  What do you want?
Angelus:  I wanna torture you.  I used to love it and it's been a long time, I mean, the last time I tortured somebody they didn't even have chain saws.

Buffy:  Who are you?
Whistler:  Whistler.
Buffy:  What are you doing here?
Whistler:  I'm waiting for you.
Buffy:  Why?
Whistler:  'Cause I need a date to the prom.

Buffy:  Well, why don't you try getting off your immortal ass and fighting evil once in a while?  'Cause I'm sick and tired of doing it myself.

Spike:  Hey!  White flag here, I quit.
Buffy:  Let me clear this up for you: We're mortal enemies, we don't get time outs.

Spike:  We like to talk big, vampires do.  'I'm going to destroy the world'.  That's just tough guy talk.  Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood.  The truth is, I like this world.  You've got horse racing, Manchester United.  And you've got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs.  It's all right here.

Buffy:  The whole world may be sucked into Hell and you want my help 'cause your girlfriends a big ho?  Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.

Oz:  How you feeling?
Willow:  My head feels big.  Is it big?
Oz:  No, it's head size.

Buffy:  That I'm in a band.  A rock band with Spike here.
Spike:  Right, she plays the triangle.
Buffy:  Drums.
Spike:  Drums, yeah, she's hell on the old skins, you know.
Joyce:  Hmm.  And what do you do?
Spike:  Well, I sing.

Joyce:  Have we met?
Spike:  You hit me with an ax one time.  Remember?  'Get the hell away from my daughter.'

Buffy:  She killed Kendra.
Spike:  Dru bagged a Slayer?  She didn't tell me!  Hey good for her!  Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Cordelia:  So Buffy's going for the big showdown, huh?  Wish we could help, you know, without dying.

Willow:  Do you see my resolve face?  You've seen it before, you know what it means.  This can help Buffy.  If we turn Angel back soon enough, we can stop him from awaking Acathla.
Oz:  Okay, I pretty much missed out on some stuff, didn't I?  Because this is making that kind of sense that's not.

Angelus:  Just tell me what I need to know.
Giles:  In order to be worthy...
Angelus:  Yeah?
Giles:  You must perform the ritual in a tutu.  Pillock!
Angelus:  All right, someone get the chain saw!
Spike:  Now, now don't lets lose our temper.
Angelus:  Keep out of it, sit and spin.
Spike:  Look, cut him up, you'll never get your answers.
Angelus:  Since when did you become so level headed?
Spike:  Right about the time you became so pig headed.  You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world and I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet.

Buffy:  You never got a single date in high school, did you?
Snyder:  Your point being?

Xander:  Cavalry's here.  Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.

Giles:  Xander?
Xander:  Can you walk?
Giles:  You're not real.
Xander:  Sure I'm real.
Giles:  It's a trick.  They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander:  Then why would they make you see me?
Giles:  You're right, let's go.

Oz:  But we know the world didn't end because...check it out.